The Perfect alibi - have an affair and never get caught

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This article is worth a thousand times its weight in gold. Read it and you will learn the invaluable first step every potential adulterer needs to take: preparing the ground for future alibis. I'll explain why and how.

Then I'll teach you how not to give yourself away to your spouse (by your attitude, your clothes, your conversation).Next I'll talk about where to cheat – and where not to.
Then I'll give you my tried and true reasons for not using real people for alibis – as well as my suggestions for the perfect personas to create as your alibi.
Finally, I shall share with you the most priceless gift on offer. Once you have read this section you will know more serpentine ways of cheating than even Machiavelli might have conjured up. Forgive me if I sound a trifle proud – but these alibis are, in themselves, creative masterpieces. Scenarios which are so sophisticated, so ingenious, that even I am sometimes lost in admiration for my own inventiveness in having designed them so well. Read, remember, and know that in this article you will be gleaning the very best from my years of in-depth research into alibis.

Just to give you a taste of the joys of this article – one of my clients was so inventive in his alibis that he was even able to create an alibi which was so stunningly convincing that he was actually able to use it to spend Christmas day away with his lover instead of spending it with his wife and family! It was breathtakingly brilliant and – most important of all – utterly and completely successful. You'll be amazed!

One of the most frequent complaints I hear from one or both lovers is that they want time away from home together. And if you are having an affair with someone single, you will undoubtedly encounter one of the commonest complaints that of being fed up to the teeth with lines like, "I should be home, I need to be there in time for Newsnight, because we usually watch Newsnight and have Ovaltine together." Philandering can only work really well if you throw your lover the odd bone now and again (in the form of spending the night together sometimes) and if you have cast-iron alibis for your spouse.

Give plenty of lead-time before you start changing your patterns. It's very dangerous to suddenly have lots of changes. People who are real beginners at infidelity - who don't really know what they're doing - will make lots of changes at once. They'll start changing their spare time activities and along with that, they'll start changing the way they dress, all the telltale signs that you are having an affair. Don't make that mistake. Instead, follow my advice and plan, plan, plan.

As soon as you catch yourself fantasizing about having an affair, the chances are that your affair is imminent. And even if you haven't yet met a potential lover, start building a scenario in advance. Anticipating an affair will pay massive dividends once you embark on the real thing Even before you have found your ideal candidate, drop into conversations with your spouse that (for example) one of the down sides of living in London is being dragged into the office by management at short notice to solve this or that problem. Then elaborate a few days later with something like, "It's a little bit of a worry that we've got this really demanding client in Newcastle. You never know when the system's going to go down. I've told Frank a dozen times that I think that system is unstable and it will crash and then at a moment's notice he or me or someone else will have to go up there and spend two days sorting it.'

Now that you have planted the seeds, when the affair is ripe and your lover needs a romantic interlude with you away from home, you can safely tell your spouse, "I told you so! The bloody system's crashed and it's a real pain but I'm going to have to go to Newcastle for a few days." There will be less suspicion because by now the ground will have been well- prepared and your spouse is primed for the trip. All in all, if you anticipate your affair long before it happens, your alibi will be ready when the time is right.

Another obvious alibi set-up is if you live in the suburbs and work in central London and you drive. In that case, you can set up the situation where you've had too much alcohol at a business event and don't feel comfortable driving. That way, you can say, ‘Frank offered for me to sleep at his place.' And then you can stay overnight with your lover.

The Frank scenario, however, is one of my least favourite alibis. Because when you let somebody else know that you are having a marvellous affair, they may well become jealous and want to scupper it for you. Or, especially if you work with them, they could, at a later date, extract a gruesome revenge by telling your spouse about your philandering.

You never use a real person as an alibi because you open yourself up to more risk. I think that it's absolutely fatal to drag friends into covering for your infidelity. You can possibly get away with it once but the problem you have with close friends is that you are imposing on them in a very big way. If the person in whom you are trusting every detail of your illicit dalliance is a family friend, that friend might not like what you're doing because your spouse is also a friend.

If you tell a friend, he and his wife might be chatting about their friend's marriages (as couples often do) and the result could end up in a nightmare for you. The wife might say to her husband (your friend who knows about the affair) ‘oh Sue and Michael are a wonderful example of just how happy a marriage can be…I wish we were as happy as that.' The friend (who knows about your infidelity) might have a fit of pique and announce, ‘well, you only think that because you don't know everything about Michael and Sue's marriage. Because the truth is that Michael is having an affair."

You are far better of avoiding potential problems by not confiding in any other living soul about your affair. Because the less people who know the truth about the affair, the less people can harm you. But discretion can be hugely difficult for men because men love to brag about their conquests in the locker room.

A perfect example of the consequences of being a blabbermouth about your infidelity is a private client of mine who could not keep his mouth shut about how wonderful life had been for him since he started having these affairs through Loving Links. But he could not resist bragging to one of his squash partners. At first, it was fine and positive because that partner was so enthralled by his friend's tales of Loving Links that he, too, ultimately became one of my private clients.

Things went dramatically wrong, however, when his squash club held a testimonial dinner and this original client was very unsubtle with his friend and co-philanderer in front of the other people. He started making sly little remarks about how sweet oriental girls are (they were both having affairs with Malaysian girls) and the entire situation became painfully obvious to anyone sitting at their table. Finally, one of the other golfers took these two chaps aside and asked, ‘what are you two guys into? It sounds so interesting.' As a result, it was hugely embarrassing for them because the guy also happened to know their spouses and so they had to think on their feet. They said they'd been to a lap dancing thing and it was a really cool club, but they put themselves in a situation where they could have been hugely compromised and they had to lie in that situation. All in all, men who brag to one another, are always going to worry if that third person is going to make clever remarks causing their spouses to say, ‘What's this about?' And so because of this basic male desire to show and boast, ‘look at all the fun I'm having! Aren't I a clever boy?'

Another way of preparing the ground for an marital affair is to focus on finding time in the evening, particularly as you know you haven't got wonderful day opportunities. Consequently, you need to start sowing the seeds of out of home activities. You can't suddenly turn round and say ‘honey, I won't be in next Wednesday evening' when you've been in every Wednesday evening since you were married. What you need to do is start developing opportunities to be out at night. Join a gym, or leave a copy of Spotlight (which lists evening class opportunities) around the house.

Start saying things like ‘I had a meeting with my departmental director the other week and he said how helpful it would be if I had better knowledge of new technology.' Don't say something like, ‘He suggested that I take Italian classes because we may open an office in Italy,' because if you do, you are asking for trouble. A few months down the road, your spouse may suggest a holiday in Italy, and you will be expected to spout perfect Italian… Not a good idea.





Far better to suggest studying obscure developments in IT technology which you need to be aware of in order to facilitate your career. Studying anything to do with IT is a great alibi, because you don't need to be an IT specialist by definition if you're working in a company. Also, everyone reads every day about how IT is vital to business success and that people have to be aware and go with the flow.
Another idea is to sign for Open University courses because they have lots of opportunities for getting away. You can say ‘oh, I've got a seminar for two evenings'…at the tutor's house or whatever.

What you do to smooth the path to your affair is set up a structure. For example, if you do not normally go out in the evenings you have to in advance start developing slowly, that way your absences won't be so obvious. Take evening classes in an obscure subject which you won't, at a later stage, ever have to prove that you have mastered.

Joining a Gym is a good idea because in most gyms, you aren't allowed to receive phone calls and you can't have a mobile. Of course, it is easier for anyone who works to cheat, because they can use work-related events as alibis. Start mentioning to your spouse about visiting groups coming over from foreign subsidiaries, but don't relate the visit to your absences at that point. You could say ‘Oh, god we're busy this week, we've got this delegation over from Canada. Luckily, I don't have to spend time with them.' Then, soon after, you can say, ‘we've got this delegation over. I really feel that this time I've got to get more involved with them, I've got to take them out.' In fact you can start creating delicious mythical characters that come over frequently from Canada….

If you're a subsidiary of an American company, you could certainly have one of the new vice presidents who is learning the ropes all around the world in the subsidiaries who has just been to the French office, spending some time in the UK office. spending time in the UK office and you just have to spend time with him and he wants to have quiet times discussing things with you in the evening, over a drink, over a meal.

I think the fictitious business contact is always useful because in that way, you don't involve anyone else who might one day betray you. And if you don't work at all, that shouldn't really prevent you from cheating. If a man or woman is retired, he or she can start going to museums as a hobby – as that would provide a perfect alibi.

But no matter how well you plan, don't ever get to confident that you have covered all bases and won't get caught. Here is a good little cautionary tale, just to remind you of how inventive your spouse could become once suspicion has been aroused. One of my clients conjured up a perfect alibi and managed to take his lover on holiday. When he got back home, his spouse (no fool) searched his suitcase for signs of foul play. And, hey presto! She found a woman's name and number, written on a scrap of paper inside his suitcase. Once she got over the shock, she evolved a game plan for discovering whether or not her suspicions were justified. She telephoned the number, told the woman that she was a market researcher and asked if she could put a few questions to her. The woman, a little nonplussed, nevertheless agreed. The spouse said she was doing a survey focusing on adulterous holidays and asked the lady if she had ever had a holiday with a married lover. The lady, completely bamboozled into believing that she was talking to a genuine market researcher, replied, ‘What a coincidence, I've just come back from one….' Now pretending to be a market researcher, she called the woman and asked her to take part in a survey of holiday romances. And of course she said, ‘yes I've just had this holiday romance'.

Now that I've terrified you, let me console you by telling you the true story of a masterly alibi concocted by one of my wealthy private clients. His long-term mistress demanded (on pain of the affair ending if he refused) that they spend Christmas day together in Majorca. Now, this client was very much married, with a family, who, quite naturally, expected him to spend Christmas day with them in London.
How he solved the problem and managed to steal away for Christmas day with his mistress is a salutary example of how planning reaps vast dividends in adultery. For some time, he had been telling his spouse that he would dearly love to get a new boat. Through some business chums of his, he set up a fake telex that the yacht of his dreams was finally available for viewing. But only on Christmas day. In a harbour, in Palma, Majorca. He managed to convince his wife and family that his happiness depended on travelling to Majorca and seeing that particular yacht on Christmas day. They believed him to such an extent that his wife even drove him to the airport.

When he came back he said ‘there's some refitting that needs doing on the yacht, but it could be a good bet.' Of course, once the refitters moved in, the yacht proved to be a bad buy, and my client told his wife how disappointed he was that he had been advised not to buy it. All in all, he got away with it. Of course, he had the financial resources, but without nerve and a great deal of gamble, he could never have executed his alibi so successfully.

A woman who works from home – a housewife – can also find plenty of alibis to cover her infidelity. She can tell her husband that she is out improving her tennis, going to the gym, going shopping, going to art galleries, finding things for the house. I don't think that the housewife has real problems with daytime trysts. She's got more flexibility than most people. Evenings for a housewife are far more difficult to arrange. Except in cases where – which is quite common – women will say, ‘I want a girls night out.' I think men are quite understanding when their wives want girls nights out, because it allows them their bit of freedom as well

Retired people can say to their spouses, ‘Well it's so exciting, now I'm retired, I can enjoy myself.' If you've got a hobby, say stamp collecting, you can say ‘I'm going to an auction this afternoon.'

To digress a little, I want to let you into my ultimate alibi secret. When I say ‘my' – I mean exactly that – because I used this alibi strategy in both my first and my second marriages – with great success.

Early on in both marriages, during chats with my then wives, when the subject of physical similarities came up, I said, ‘You know – and this is incredible - ever since I was a young person, I've known that I had a double.' Then, sometime later, come home from work and said, ‘You know I told you I had a double, well, the other day, a colleague told me this story. He said, ‘I happened to be walking around a part of town and saw a car accident where one of the drivers was obviously totally in the wrong. He said that far as he could see, the bad driver was me. He went over to the accident and he was absolutely gob smacked when he realised that although the physical similarity was extraordinary, it was not me.

Then another time, you throw into a conversation with your spouse, that your secretary came back from lunch and said, ‘has David got a double? because I was in Harvey Nichols, saw David, tapped him on the shoulder but it wasn't him.'

And so you establish without any obvious motive that there is somewhere in London someone who looks remarkably like you. It is an insurance policy – the last resort for you when your spouse says, ‘well how the hell can you explain why you were at that hotel with that woman?" And you say, ‘I can't explain except maybe that….as I told you that there is certainly someone who looks like me.' She might believe it, she might not but you've got an extra insurance policy. Because there's nothing worse than being caught out and falling back on the line, ‘Oh, I must have a double' because if you do that out of the blue, your wife will say ‘Oh, sure! Pull the other one….' The thing is to create the double before you need one..

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About the Author

david miller

David Miller M.A is the founder of www.lovinglinks.co.uk - the UK's original extramarital dating resource.  David has appeared many times on...