How to pick the perfect extramarital mistress

How to pick the pefect mistress and not risk your marriage

In this article, I will tell you how to pick the perfect mistress (whether she is married or not), give you vital clues for discovering whether or not you can trust the person with whom you plan to cheat, and point out the type of lover to avoid at all costs.

Most important of all, I will demonstrate conclusively exactly why I believe that it is far better for married people to stick with married people, rather than cheating with singles.

First (and perhaps this is a bit naughty of me, but I am only acting in your interests…) I will tell you my secrets on how to use both the Internet and singles agencies as adultery resources.

When dealing with singles agencies, you often have to apply to the agency in person. A lot of the singles agencies and services, employ the strategy of phoning you at social times in the evening to confirm that you have told the truth – and nothing but – on your application form and that you really are single. Of course, they do that specifically to make sure that you're not living with someone. So how do you avoid that? Give the agency your mobile phone number (that great adultery asset, more about which later…)

Finding a lover via the Internet can be marvellous. The Internet is a wonderful resource, particularly if you're travelling, because Internet affairs can be the real fantasy trips. You start out with salacious hot chat – aimed at pinpointing what will turn your potential lover on in bed, progress to a meeting, and – hey presto! – you are in bed. With no complications. And probably using a false name. Not very nice, I know. But then, you are not reading this book to learn to be very nice, are you?

The Internet is both incredibly tempting yet full of pitfalls. Most of the Internet ads are singles dating sites primarily where most of the women are on line to find the right, single partner. You log on as a fox among the chickens, and the same way that singles dating agencies will kick you out and get snappy with you if you're a married man sniffing around their stock, the only way you can circumvent Internet checks as to whether or not you are married, is to use them when you travel on business. If you do, they are a goldmine. If you travel regularly to the States, you have an enormous selection of delightful, often pleasantly provincial American women who post their messages and their photos on these Internet. They're single, in most cases, and want single men…but you're 3000 miles away from home base and you could always spin the most wonderful stories. The Internet provides wonderful material, cannon fodder if your work takes you away from home, or to Russia or any of the European countries. You can use the Internet to bullshit your way through a lot of one or two night stands if you want to cheat.

Obviously, I have addressed the last page or so to men. Should a married woman do use the Internet in the same way? Although I would have thought what is good for the goose is good for the gander and that the Internet provides an uncomplicated and good way of exploring the local scene a bit, I think a woman needs to be very circumspect and careful on the Internet.

One of my clients used the Internet for a while in order to find partners. Then she said something which I thought was very telling. She said that she felt very insecure at times because there were men out there on the Internet who expected her to entrust her body to them without entrusting her with their surname.

On the specific subject of women, finding the right woman with whom to have an illicit affair can be facilitated by reading superficial signs. If you go to her flat and you see on display expensive perfume, elegant gold mirrors, glamorous diaphanous negligees, and all the fascinating paraphernalia of female charm, the chances are high that she wants to look good, she wants to be appreciated, and she wants to be adored. If she's devoting so much care to her appearance and surroundings, it is highly likely that she will also devote care and imagination to the detail of her illicit relationship with you. And at the end of the day, the delights of adulterous relationship often rest in the detail. God, as they say, is in the detail (although in this context, we are probably talking about the devil, aren't we??)

From a married person's perspective, selecting the right partner is vital. Here is the prototype of the type of lover whom he or she should avoid like the bubonic plague.

Stay away from the married lover who is seriously searching for an illicit lover to move onto, and who will continually talk about how his or her marriage has gone stale. This kind of man or woman is into a serious shipwreck business. What he (or she)is doing is really putting out feelers, trying to find some sort of soft landing or transfer of assets or attention. He or she is maybe viewing divorce as a real possibility and is looking for a safe haven.

He or she may feel that if the marriage finally falls apart or goes horribly wrong and it does blow up totally, he or she can maybe set up something with this new lover who will accept him/her even though she/he's lost at least half his/her assets and everything else. That's got to be a bad debt in that sort of sense.

In general, the majority of married people seeking an adulterous lover will say what they want is a lover who is discreet, who will keep their relationship clandestine, a secret. But the sort of unhappily married lover I'm talking about would want to be discovered. Either because he/she wants to have an opportunity, a platform to say to his wife, ‘look you see there's other women who want me, I don't need you.' Or, ‘you see there are women who think I'm sexy, there are women who want my body. You've never loved me like that, you've never done these wonderful things for me. Here is a woman and she's lovely and she wants me.' And then he might even go so far to say ‘She's prepared to leave what she's got to be with me…'

The other reason that that sort of married lover might want an illicit affair to blow up is that he/she is motivated subconsciously or even consciously by a desire to be found out. For this kind of man – or woman – the affair was simply a cry for help within the marriage - like saying ‘for god's sake look at me, I needed these things that you wouldn't provide within the marriage, so I found them elsewhere.' The affair then becomes a negotiating tool rather than an adventure for both lovers. To be avoided.




One of your most important tasks, right from the start, is to ascertain whether or not you can trust your lover. This may sound self-serving, but the truth is that if you meet your lover through Loving Links then you know that he or she probably has given deep thought as to what they're getting into. Consequently, your encounter won't be ignited on impulse and, ideally, there will probably be some balance on both sides. After all, your affair is not happening because of sparks flying suddenly at an office party or hotel lobby. Both of you have thought long and seriously about what you are about to do, and in most cases, you are embarking on an affair in order to achieve the goal of attaining sexual adventure. Meeting through Loving Links so in is really a great way to start an extramarital affair, because in the context of Links, the affair is not completely spontaneous, so that the beauty of that is that you can really both talk about the affair in advance, and how to structure it.

If, on the other hand, you're a married guy planning to stray from your marriage with a single woman, it will be incredibly difficult for you to cold-bloodedly broach the question to her of how you can structure the affair. A lot of men, of course, trapped in sexless marriages, and tempted by what the tabloids term ‘a libidinous lovely,' may ask why there is any need whatsoever to structure the affair. Why not, instead, just get on with it?

If the woman is youngish, it is vital early on for you to put a lid on the relationship in advance. To make it clear that although you want to have a wild and romantic affair with her, you have absolutely no intention of allowing it to endanger your marriage. So you need to put up some barriers, to discuss with the lady exactly how the two of you (and put the emphasis on the word ‘two,' just so she doesn't feel overtly manipulated at this early stage in the proceedings) can enjoy the affair, get the best out of it, but not cause havoc to the innocent (i.e.; your wife and family).

You have to ascertain right up front, what your potential lover's agenda is. Are they in any way shape or form looking to steal a husband? That's got to be the first question you ask. And along with that you've got to assess early on whether they have a fractured personality, whether they are emotionally fractured, whatever, unstable because instability can be a disaster zone. If the woman is very pretty you might overlook that but prettiness is not the most important factor in an extramarital affair. The most important factors are stability of personality and an acceptance of the transitory quality of the affair, and that you are not going to leave your spouse.

The second most important thing is availability and flexibility of that person. There's no point of getting into a relationship with a woman that's so tied up with taking the children to gymkhanas and everything else that she's got no time. So it's got to be availability, preferably a woman whose husband is away on oilrigs and this sort of thing.

The third is what does she look like? The looks are hugely unimportant; they pale into insignificance alongside stability and availability. You are not finding someone to show off in the local golf club, you are looking for someone to steal several hours of pleasure with as and when.

With choosing an extramarital partner the priorities are as follows.

First of all, what is this person's agenda? Are they in any way shape or form looking to steal a husband? That's got to be the first question you ask. And along with that you've got to assess early on whether they have a fractured personality, whether they are emotionally fractured, whatever, unstable because instability - nightmare scenario. These are disaster zones. If the woman is very pretty you might overlook that but prettiness is not the most important factor in an extramarital affair. The most important factors are stability of personality and an acceptance of I'm not going to leave anyone for.

The second most important thing is availability and flexibility of that person. There's no point of getting into a relationship with a woman that's so tied up with taking the children to gymkhanas and everything else that she's got no time. So it's got to be availability, preferably a woman whose husband is away on oilrigs and this sort of thing.

The third is what does she look like? The looks are hugely unimportant; they pale into insignificance alongside stability and availability. You are not finding someone to show off in the local golf club, you are looking for someone to steal several hours of pleasure with as and when.

All in all, it is best to select another married person who knows the score. Unless, of course, you are a chairman of ICI with a huge personal bank account and you can afford to keep a mistress as a love object, and are thus able to provide the lady with vast financial rewards, I would say that the best thing to do is find someone with relatively similar values. Go for a balanced relationship every time because it just cuts out so many problems. Unless you can really afford to run an unmarried mistress, (meaning that you've got the time, you've got the facility, the money and resources to create a secret parallel relationship to your marriage), I would recommend that you think carefully about what you're doing.

All in all, you need to think ahead, assess your potential lovers' agenda, their level of maturity, whether or not they have a full life (you do not – I repeat – do not want to be the target of an obsession), whether they have vindictive tendencies and whether they will be able to handle the separations, the partings, the distance, emotional and physical. Make sure they understand what they are getting in to. And that you do as well. Most important of all, make sure you understand everything you can about WHO you are getting into it with.

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About the Author

david miller

David Miller M.A founded www.lovinglinks.co.uk in 1994 whilst he was doing post-graduate research on adultery at London University.  David...